OMGOOSES!

There have been very few times in my life where I’ve taken the time to sit and compose a thought out reflection of my thoughts, aimed to the public at least. Within the last few days, I’ve begun to feel less “here”; the only problem being that I never landed “there”. It only left me in a wonder of “where” I am.

After recently reading novels and watching films about self-discovery, the happily-ever-afters, and the complexities of life and how they tend to operate in a cycle that keeps us “balanced” and healthy, I’ve come to feel quite a bit intuitively lost in thought.

I began to self-evaluate where I currently am in life. A gay, college-aged, recovering obese, hard-headed, heart broken person. I couldn’t help but to pick up on certain correlations between my life and the lives of others (especially on blogs such as Tumblr), all seeking to find themselves in some sort of pre-adult angst. “Who am I? Why do I exist? What is my future? Will I ever be happy?”

Of course, these can be productive conversations with yourself. Personally, I don’t even know how to begin to describe what happiness looks like for me. I thought I knew what it was, what it would be. I thought I knew what it meant, but I was proven wrong by an individual I allowed to control it.

We all tend to seek the same things, happiness. Where that image begins to process, is based on where we’ve been, and what’s around us. In the South, pictures of families in a Victorian household, with the white fence, the outdoor weddings, full of tradition—all paint the picture of what happiness should look like. Yet, caught up in these depictions of societal happiness, causes us to continuously deplete all notions of individualization we currently contain. Being deemed defaultly liberal due to my sexuality (I’m a homo), none of those moments became a reality. Found love? Check. Romantic get-aways? Check. Engagement to be married? Slight complications, but Check. Yet, here I am, with none of those things. 

Do I think “finding yourself” is absolutely rubbish? No. What I do think, is that the entirety of the concept is essentially a ticking clock, a filler for time, a phase we call something significant, when really we just haven’t yet experienced something that we can truly identify with.

The one thing that worries me about this phase, is getting lost in it. In a world of infinite possibilities, there are many ways happiness could look like. Hell, there are many ways “yourself” can be “found”. When I enter a state of melancholy, thinking about these things, sometimes I’m able to pull myself out by remembering one thing:

— Finding yourself can only be done if you’re paying attention to who you are, and who you’ve become. The longer you’re caught up in who you want to be, who you should be, or who you possibly are in the eyes of others, is less time you’re spending realizing the person you are.

That’s not to say everyone’s reality is what they consider to be positive. But if you don’t like it, then stop thinking about who you could be, and BECOME who you want to be. I have little faith in religion and spirituality, mainly because of my disconnect with many types of spirituality due to my orientation— however, what I do believe in, is the natural aura of the way things “should be”. Realizing the way things are, and moving on with life is the only way you’ll live to really find yourself and know who you are. Why? Because it’ll be real— not a thought, but a reality.